the dreaded closet cleaning

so recently my mother forced me to clean out my shoe closet. there is almost nothing else in the world (other than the thought of being stuck in this town forever, watching myself singing on a huge projector in performance class or drinking spoilt milk) that causes me so much trauma. yeah yeah i know what your thinking, typical spoiled little teenager with no worries in the world. (i'll have you know i've very grateful for everything i have, so suck it) but to have to throw away my lil's babies, it makes the tears well up in my eyes. each shoe has a story to tell, at least a couple ridiculous accompnying memories or obstacles it too me to get them. my red heels are my first heels and the moment i put them on it was this revalation where is discovered that confidence (if even only an ounce) can be obtained from the right footwear. my graffiti converse and flourescent pink flats help me reminisce on my first trip to new york and walking through the wild streets of manhattan trying my very best to soak in every inkling of ultimate freedom and belonging. black heeled oxfords bring me back to strutting down an runway in toronto at a talent convention and old worn out flip flops and glatiator sandals relate to the idyllic summer nights where it felt like anything could happen. yeah, i know ultimately shoes arent the passport to happiness, and i could live without so many, but why should i give them up? why should i feel guilty for something i do enjoy, something that brings me confidence, something that allows me to add the perfect finishing touch to an outfit, something that makes the moment just that much more special. we all have our weaknesses, and fortunately for me mine is shoes, and not ben and jerrys double fudge ice cream or brittany spears music.

goodbye.

dress up.

when i'm bored, i play dress up pretty much. i'm stuck perminatnly at the age of six, but i'm cool with that.

oh hello there.

hi all 3, dare i say 4 (or is that pushing it?) people reading this. if i knew who you were i'd bake you a dozen heavily sprinkled cupcakes (the more sprinkles, the less you can distinct how crappy they truly are), partly cause i'm terrible at social interaction, and the only way to profess my gratitude is through the only thing i can semi-successfully make other than kraft dinner. unless i have a special v.i.p kraft dinner supper for us at my house, heck that'd be kinda cute, other than the inevitable awkward silences and uncomfortable conversation. anyways, i've decided to tell you a secret. i hate thanksgiving. (insert many gasps due to the monunmental shockingness of a holiday you're supposed to love by law) it's not just the slightly dry and gravyless turkey which i happen to despise, nor the fact that the only fun thing is tying up my little cousins with rope and dragging them around. (which is actually quite fun i suppose) it's the fact that they made this holiday to basically get more money off of people but disguise it in the good name of being thankful. insted of just being happy with what we have, we have to make an entire holiday out of it and have this pressure to put on huge feasts and force a bunch of people into a room, all while forgetting that this should be a day of rest just to enjoy and appreciate what we have. oh, i don't know. maybe this is all deriving from the fact that my thanksgiving was more than lackluster. i'm always tremendously thankful for everything i have and recieve, but when all day all you hear is "be thankful, be thankful, be thankful" i feel more guilty for what i have than anything. k, that was a bit of a ramblefest. so in the spirit of being thankful, i'm oh so dearly thankful for the 4, erm 3?...2? of you reading this. you da best there eva wuz.

Come by and see my I'm a love letter away...

these are such beautiful yrics. i abosutely love this song. it's "the start of something" by voxtrot. i swear if someone sang this song to me while stumming along on their guitar, i'd be theirs. smitted. enamoured. whatever you wanna call it, i'd love em. plain and simple. i have very high/unrealistic expectations for the male gender, but heck, a girl can dream, right?




This time of night I could call you up
I'd get angry with athletic ease
Break common laws in two's and three's
If I die clutching your photograph don't call me boring it's just cause I like you.
Oh take me on back take me on back , take me back
To the place where I could feel your heart
Is this the end or just the start of something really really beautiful
Wrapped up and disguised as something really really ugly.
Won't you...
Come by and see my I'm a love letter away
I'd break your name before I'd say
"I really love you loved you"
Now I don't care if you saw
I watched every inch of film flash across your roman features
And I loved it, loved it.
No I don't care if...
You think I'm eager to shut your eyes
Well I'm sorry everybody knows you can't break me with your gutter prose
Would you believe it she sent me a letter
The ring it nearly weighs her down
she's got another boy, oh boy.
Steady your ears, steady your ears and read my lips
Poetry is not a luxury it's how I break this home
And when I'm really ill won't you cradle me?
Man is not a noble animal but maybe woman is
Remember
I heard you...
Inside your room you said " you never really live until your back's against the wall"
Oh did you really mean it?
No, I never break my gaze, if just to see the scar remain reflected in your eyes
I think it's time to go home
Oh tell me your thoughts, tell me your thoughts on liberty
See there's a place where I sink to sleeping
She said
"Oh, my vote is as red as my blood"
Will you join me for another round?
I haven't had the chance to speak yet
God Speed...
I break the law once every week to feel your touch
What's a book to you in bed?
Do you feel better? Older?
This just makes me ill your name is dripping from my pen
Still, you're not around to curse
I'll drop the gun now
I'm still under you

this is where i wanna be.

i used to be all anti-youtube, but lately i enjoy it quite thoroughly. Quite honestly her music is kinda terrible. it's basically talking (possibly wanna be rap?) with generic beats and lame lyrics but this video is great. props to the director

ouu lala

i just love his voice. if he took a plane from france to come and serendade me for a night, i could pretty much die happy.

overwhelmed.

don't you ever find it all even just a tad overwhelming? choosing what you kind of want to do with your life, i mean. when i think of infinite paths i can pave and forge into, i start to tense up, my head spins and i just feel like avodiing the subject all together cause this tidal wave of amazing and thriling options comes barreling at me, and i've got nothing to protect me. sometimes i grab a surfboard and ride that wave for a little while, just look at one option at a time, but soon enough my imagination goes in overdrive and naturally i lose my footing and come tumbling down into the water gasping for air. now, it sounds like it all stresses me out waaay too much, but i feel like it's cause there's so much excitement, so many amazing people to meet, place to visit and memories to make, i don't know which way to turn. Think of all the options we have, we could go into space and land on the moon, play concerts for thousands of screaming fans, fight fires and save human beings lives,  solve mysteries, be on soap operas, design clothing, walk tightropes, revive dying people, help kids gorw and learn ect ect ect ecccccttt. I mean, at this point in my life it feels like every door is open, slowly trying to entice me in. I have this problem where everything seems to appeal to me, like everything. I mean my main destination is to be a theatre actress, but man, why on earth did i have to pick one of the most difficult careers to get into. i'm a pretty darn realiststic person, and some nights when i just think of how slim my chance are i'm not gonna lie a couple crying fests spontaneously erupt. but i have to, i have no choice in the matter, there's nothing more have or will ever feel more strongly about. but sometimes there are other desires, i would love to runaway with the circus and be a clown or trapeeze artist, or to be a broadcast journalist in the big city, or be a jazz singer in little obscure nightclubs lit only by candles, or teach little munchkins how to act, or just travel the world and embrace the beauty we all seem to neglect, or design or style clothing, or write for an underground magazine that writes to it's reader as if their an intellectual and not a boycrazy sexdriven thirteen year old hoe, or own my own vinatge clothing store full of amazing dresses you'd find nowhere else, or about a million other things. All i know is that each path has it's ups and downs, has it's crazy memorable moments and it's boring bland moments aswell, but eah path is unique and whichever one i, and you decide to take, is perfect. it's not perfect as it's without flaws, but it's the one we felt strongly enough to pursue, so it's perfect. plain and simple. the future should be embraced, not avoided.